Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Someone Actually Got Paid To Come Up With The Idea Of Something Called "NonyX Man"

From the trade mag Chain Drug Review:

Princeton, N.J.- Xenna Corp. has created an advertising campaign to promote NonyX Nail Gel, a natural diabetic-friendly gel that softens and exfoliates discoloring keratin debris that builds up between the toes and fingernails.

The campaign features a character called NonyX Man, a superhero created to draw attention to the patented nail gel that Xenna sells in chain drug stores, discount stores and supermarkets around the country.


I swear I am not making this up. Here is a picture of NonyX man:




What do you suppose NonyX Man's super power is? The ability to see through shoes? Being super friendly to diabetics?

"We figured anyone dumb enough to buy this product would have the intelligence of a child" said Carol Buck, Xenna's chief executive officer. So the creation of a cartoon character to communicate with these imbeciles about their health care needs seemed a natural fit." *

"In the competitive world of print advertising " she notes, "people may not recall seeing a foot care advertisement unless it can arrest their attention with something fun, interesting, attractive or unusual -and NonyX Man is all of these."**


To someone maybe. To me NonyX Man is just gay. I'll let you look at that picture again and decide whether he's gay like lame or gay like homosexual.

*words said by Carol Buck in the imaginary world

**words said by Carol Buck in the real world

This Is An Actual Real Logo Of An Actual Real Organization

What do you suppose the meetings are like?

"Is it hot in here?"

"No, I'm ok"

"I think it's hot"

"IT'S NOT HOT, OK....IT'S NOT......SO GET OFF MY CASE!!!!!...............sorry....I really haven't been myself lately"

"Yeah, I know what you mean"

"I miss the estrogen."

"Yeah, Premarin was good stuff, shame it didn't work out"

"Yeah"

"I never wanted kids anyway"

"Jesus it's hot in here"

"SHUT UP....JUST SHUT UP ABOUT THE GODDAMN TEMPERATURE ALREADY!!! IT'S NOT HOT!..............um....sorry"

"What about the calcium, you getting your calcium?"

"Oh yeah.....1500mg a day, with the vitamin D of course"

"of course"

"yup"

"yup"

"Well, that about covers everything on the agenda, all in favor of adjournment?"

"God yes, it's freaking hot in here....."



Monday, March 26, 2007

Tonight, I Humbly Accept The First Of What I Am Sure Will Be Many Blog Awards.




It comes by way of Mother Jones, RN, and considering the quality of writing there, the fact she says my little blog garden makes her think inflates my ego to the point I may not be able to get out of this room. You should go read her blog right now.

Unfortunately for me the meme comes with some obligations:

The recipient of this award must follow these rules:

Acknowledge the origin of the meme/award

If you are tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think.

Optional: Display the “Thinking Blogger Award” with a link to the post that you wrote using either the gold or silver versions of the award.

Looking back through the past recipients of this meme, I see over and over again bloggers saying that it will be hard for them to pick just 5 blogs to tag. That won't be the case with me. It's going to be a struggle to come up with 5 people to link to. I just don't read a lot of blogs. Nothing personal. I also noticed as I went though the history of this meme that the requirement that the tags passed along be from within the medical blogosphere seems to be a recent addition. That relieves me, because reading a medical blog is too much like being at work. If I want to be at work, I'll go there and get paid. So, I'm going to open up my tags to the entire blogosphere. Let's see what I can come up with:

I don't think I can tag Mother Jones back, as she is the one who tagged me. You should check out her page though.

1) I don't know how many of you are familiar with the band The Pixies, but you should be. Commercially I think the most success they've had is a gold record or two, but they are artists influential far beyond their sales numbers. Kurt Cobain admitted trying to rip them off when he wrote "Smells Like Teen Spirit," and I have heard many....many a Pixies-sounding riff on rock radio through the years. Romius Texis is the Pixie of the blogosphere. If you enjoy at all what I categorize as "General Weirdness" here, then you need to check out I Need Self Help. "Welcome To Palm Ghetto" and "The Minor Accomplishments of RomiusTexis" belong in the fucking blog Hall Of Fame.

2) Romius also has a blog called "Bathos for the Misanthropic" I don't really know why he splits his stuff into two blogs, but it works out for me, as I'm going to count it as a separate tag. I told you, I'm going to have trouble coming up with five.

3) This is the "Thinking Blogger" award, and there's no way a rube from Appalachia can come across "All The Way From Oy To Vey" and not start thinking. The author is funny, she's smart, and she mocks Christians. What else could you ask for really.

4) I am going to come up with a medical blog after all. Mr Hunny Bun is a fellow pharmacist from the UK. Reading his blog I see:

  • Pharmacists face the same crap everywhere. Narcotic seekers, people abusing the public health system, annoying sales reps, only the name of the meds seem to change.
  • Ample evidence to support my theory that the rest of the world is far more civilized than we are. Through all the crap there is a tone of politeness and professionalism just not found on this side of the pond. Listen as he describes the patient we all have, Mr. Early Refill:


I have a patient who I shall call, because it’s his name, Mark. Mark comes to our pharmacy every week and gets his prescription for Diazepam 10mg dispensed.

Approximately every six months Mark will get burgled and someone will steal his Diazepam. It’s very strange that a burglar will break into his house, find a 8cmx1cmx4cm box of Diazepam, but overlook the television, video and the rest of his possessions. Not that I am cynical or anything!

He also has the unfortunate habit of losing his tablets, or getting mugged on his way home and having them taken from him. I have noticed that people never lose their hypertension medication or their inhalers, they only seem to lose drugs with a street value [Current street value of Diazepam 10mg-£1 a tablet]

What does his doctor do? Well, his doctor gives him another prescription for Diazepam, just like that! I often think that if I had some magic beans one of the Doctors in my surgery would buy those too.

Having said that I do like Mark. He’s a pleasant, polite chap whose likeness to Gollum from LOTR is spooky to behold. He also has the endearing quality of counting the number of tablets we dispense for him, just in case we try to rip him off! All only slightly marred by having the pale and waxy skin of the long-time drug abuser. Think Trainspotting.

You will never......ever.....ever......hear an American pharmacist talk like that. You will very rarely hear an American pharmacist talk about Mr. Early refill without turning it into a crude personal attack. So yes, Mr. Hunny Bun makes me think. That I should leave the country.

5) Hmmmmmm....I cheated and nominated one person twice and I still can't come up with 5. I'm gonna think out of the box, that's what I'm gonna do. I'm throwing open the floor to nominations. If you, Dear Reader, have come across a blog that makes you think, just leave a comment with a link. Or else I'll just have four, and Mother Jones might be disappointed in me. Help out a Drugmonkey.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

A Reasonable, Common Sense Offer To My Employer

I feel your pain Corporate America. I know how in this dog-eat-dog ruthless cutthroat culture that is capitalism in the 21st century, a dollar wasted can mean catastrophe. Pennies must be pinched, pinched until they beg for mercy!! Unnecessary expenses are a threat to our very way of life, it says so right in the Constitution. Go ahead, read in the constitution for yourself what it says about the rights of corporations, especially the part where it defines them as artificial persons.

(psst....that was a trick. The word "corporation" never appears in the Constitution, the first three words of which are "We the people")

Corporate America, I want to do my part to help in your never-ending battle to save a buck. That's why I'm offering the Drugmonkey free pharmacist salary monitoring service. Sign up for this program, and I will make sure you do not spend more on pharmacist salaries than is absolutely necessary. I wlll offer helpful tips on ways to spend less on pharmacists, saving you valuable payroll dollars to use as ammunition in your battle for market share. I ask for nothing in return. I do this only because it is the right thing for you.

"That's pretty fucked up Drugmonkey" some of you might be saying. "You can't be in charge of a program that works against your own financial self interest. This 'program' is either a sham or you have some sort of ulterior motive."

You would be right. Remember how you figured that out as you read this sub-headline from Friday's New York Times:

Eli Lilly has offered to monitor doctors to make sure they are not wasting money on mental illness drugs.

Mental illness drugs like Zyprexa. Made by Lilly. I want to reiterate here that any money "wasted" on Zyprexa by doctors that don't know what they're doing goes straight into Lilly's pocket.

I think I shall also start a program to monitor the clerk at the liquor store to make sure he does not give me more scotch than I pay for.

The Times goes on to say:

Doctors who veer from guidelines on dosage strengths and combinations of medications for Medicaid patients are sent “Dear Doctor” letters pointing out that their prescribing patterns fall outside the norm. Compliance is voluntary.

Really...... so Lilly is gonna keep an eye on doctors that use Zyprexa outside of guidelines. I wonder if the FDA approved indications for Zyprexa would be considered a guideline? Because it sure seemed like Lilly at one time was totally trying to get doctors to use Zyprexa in ways not approved by the FDA. Maybe Lilly will send itself a letter. Of course it does say compliance is voluntary.

You might think this is a "funny in a stupid way" kind of story, and it is, there is also however, a dash of "scary in an evil way" spice to this. Back to the Times:

The program also tracks whether patients are renewing prescriptions. Doctors are notified if patients are not, to prevent setbacks in their condition.


So.....if a person decides they would rather deal with their mental health problems instead of dealing with the weight gain, high cholesterol and blood sugar Zyprexa can cause, Lilly, out of only concern for the patient mind you, will now report that person to the proper health care authorites. You just gave up another bit of your personal soveringty to help out the bottom line of a corporation whose profits work out to around $304,000 an hour America. Nothing like living in the land of the free.

I think I hear voices in my head...........

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Sit Down, This News Will Shock You. There Are Doctors Who Take Money From Drug Companies That Make The Meds Doctors Prescribe.

.....I have also heard that bears shit in the woods, Vicodin may be habit forming, and cigarettes may be bad for you.

What's new is that we now have a tiny window into the extent of drug company bribery....I mean..... "consulting fees." Yesterday's New York Times ran a story compiling data from the state of Minnesota, "the first of a handful of states to pass a law requiring drug makers to disclose payments to doctors." Here's a bit of what they found:

The Minnesota records begin in 1997. From then through 2005, drug makers paid more than 5,500 doctors, nurses and other health care workers in the state at least $57 million. Another $40 million went to clinics, research centers and other organizations. More than 20 percent of the state’s licensed physicians received money. The median payment per consultant was $1,000; more than 100 people received more than $100,000.


It's important to point out here that while the Minnesota law requiring drug companies to fess up to doctor payola was an outstanding idea, it had absolutely nothing to do with Norm Coleman, one of the two US Senators from that state. Coleman votes in agreement with George Bush almost 90% of the time and has never denied being a member of Al-Qeada, even when asked directly.

There are two things in the Times article that made me snicker. The first because it's so obviously bullshit, the other because it is so obviously true:

In dozens of interviews, most doctors said that these payments had no effect on their care of patients.

Of course not. Most giant corporations are in the habit of giving away money with the expectation that they will receive absolutely no benefit in return. It makes their shareholders really happy when they do this. In fact, many Fortune 500 companies have started to conclude their annual shareholder meetings with a ritual that involves burning a pile of $100 bills as tall as the CEO. And who can forget the Eli Lilly "Billion Dollar Drop," in which the Chairman Of The Board climbs to the top of Lilly's headquarters building every year on his birthday to shower as much money as he can onto the street below all day long? Excuse me corrupt doctors, but could you have just a little respect for my intelligence, please? If you're going to lie to me, could you at least put in a little effort and come up with a believable lie? Or does plausibility cost extra?

Actually the price of plausibility may be in the low 6 digits, as we see here:

For many doctors, marketing lectures are also a welcome diversion.

“It beats talking to little old ladies about their bowels,” said Dr. Eric Storvick of Mankato, Minn., who made more than $174,000 between 1998 and 2005 from drug makers.


I so can't argue with that one. This doc may be on the take, but a truer statement has never passed through a person's lips. I know more than a few little old ladies though, who would be quite shocked to hear this.

I Am Nothing If Not Fair. Tonight, A Chance For Republican Senator Norm Coleman Of Minnesota To Deny Once And For All He Is A Member Of Al-Qaeda.

Click here for the background if you have no idea what I'm talking about in this post.

Karen Spaeth, Staff Contact
Colemanforsenate.com
kspaeth@colemanforsenate.com

Hi Karen,

I think you'll agree there is nothing quite like the start of a political campaign. Much like the start of baseball's spring training, it is a time of universal optimism and hope, when all those seeking to serve our great country look forward to a season of hard work in the marketplace of ideas, when incumbents get to brag about their record and newcomers can bring their fresh new perspective to the table of discourse. Surely all of Minnesota is in for a feast at this table from now until November, 2008. I hope there's pot roast. I like pot roast.

Sadly, this spirit of hopefulness for our democratic process was dealt a shocking blow once I began my research of Senator Coleman's record for the blog I publish, Your Pharmacist May Hate You. In every piece of the public record I could find, no matter how much I googled, yahooed!, or asked Jeeves, I could not find a single instance where Senator Coleman has denied he is a member of Al-Qaeda. I'm sure you will agree with me Karen, that it wouldn't be the best idea to give members of Al-Qaeda the security clearance necessary to enter the US Capitol, much less trust them to protect the interests of Minnesota's sugar beet farmers. That is why I am writing to you today, to give you an opportunity to put this issue to rest once and for all:

Is Norm Coleman now, or has he ever been, a member of Al-Qaeda, or otherwise sworn any kind of allegiance to Osama Bin Ladin?

This should be the easiest question of the political season for you. A simple one word answer and you can move on to explaining how Senator Coleman is against the war in Iraq, except when he decides he's actually for it. Maybe you could set up some sort of Coleman/Coleman debate on the issue as the election gets closer, but I digress. I, and my readers from Minnesota, feel people have a right to know if their Senator is a member of Al-Qaeda. I hope you do as well.

Sincerely,

The Blogger Known as Drugmonkey.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

I Was The Best Of Pharmacists, I Was The Worst Of Pharmacists

Doctor line rang just as I decided I finally had time to go take a piss. Goddammit. Doctor on call phoning in a Cipro prescription for a patient with a urinary tract infection. Mentioning urinary tract during the phone call didn't do much for my ability to hold it in a couple more minutes. When I finally got a chance to let it flow however, I thought I remembered that this customer was on warfarin. Thinking about people's anticoagulant therapy while I'm urinating, it's quite a life I lead. Got back to the computer and checked the profile. Hell yeah, I don't need no stinking DUR software to tell me what I had here. I had just caught me an interaction baby, time to earn my big bucks. Since the patient wasn't Dick Cheney I called up Dr. Oncall on her cellphone and got the antibiotic switched to something less likely to cause death. I watched as Ms. Urinary Tract was at the counter thinking "I just saved you lady, whatever you go on to accomplish in your life from this day forward is all because of me, me! Perhaps you should be my slave, since your existence in this world is now due only to my massive brain....whhhooohhhaahhhhaahhhaaaa!!! I am super pharmacist, hear me roar!!"

Got a call about a half hour later........."I picked up this prescription....it says to take 1 capsule twice a day for 5 days, but there are only five capsules in the bottle"

So now the woman whose life I saved knows me only as the dumbass who can't count. Fuck fuck mother fucker........lesson learned....... hubris is only asking for trouble on the karma go round........

Tonight will be washed away with a dry martini. Gotta mix things up every once in awhile.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Ralph Vogel, President, Guild For Professional Pharmacists, Also An Amateur Dumbass.

It's becoming more and more obvious trade magazine Drug Topics' content comes from freelance writers given $100 and half an hour to come up with something to put between the covers. This gem comes from an article in the February 5th issue discussing the minimum wage:

Ralph Vogel, president/executive director of the Guild for Professional Pharmacists, Woodland Hills, Calif., said, "The government ought to stay out of this whole thing. If you raise the minimum wage, all the manufacturers and everybody else raise the price of their products and inflation takes over. The minimum wage ends up where it was before. The government is in debt and the only way to get out of debt is to inflate the money. If we had employees working in the office for the minimum wage and we had to give them an extra buck an hour, we'd raise our services to pay for it. They'd be making a buck more an hour, but they'd only be able to buy the same things. The government would get more in taxes. The government is the one that comes out ahead."

Gutekunst agreed with Vogel's assessment. "The minimum wage increase sounds and looks good," he said. "The government wants to promote it because it increases the revenue stream because they are going to grab back taxes from it. It will look like they're bringing more money into the government's treasury."
Jesus H. Christ there is so much stupidity here I hardly know where to start. I think the best way to illustrate the......bizarreness of this quote published as serious comment by the pharmacy industry's leading news magazine is through the magic of theatre. Join me now as the Drugmonkey Bullshit Exposure Through Dramatization Players present:

The Government Is The One That Comes Out Ahead

(Opening scene, exactly 1½ years from now, George Bush sits in the Oval Office with The Secretary of the Treasury and the Commissioner of the Internal Revenue Service. Nearing the end of his second term, Bush has been spending a lot of time of late reflecting on his years in power.)

Bush: Well our plan to get the government out of debt by raising the minimum wage certainly has worked like a charm hasn't it? At first I just thought it was a plan by those damn liberals to help poor people be able to buy things, but after Deputy Assistant Economic Advisor Ralph Volgel explained it all to me, I saw my opportunity to go down in history as the President who payed off the public debt.

Secretary of the Treasury: Um, well, not exactly sir.

Bush: What do you mean? Inflation is at 500%, it certainly looks to me like we are bringing more money into the government's treasury. Hell, I'm thinking we can afford to start another war or two, maybe one of them civil wars. I could be just like Lincoln. I'll bet they name a car after me.......

Secretary of the Treasury: Um yes, well sir, after you signed the minimum wage increase into law, we realized there was actually very little.....actually no...correlation between minimum wage hikes and the inflation rate. As a matter of fact, the last time minimum wage was raised was in 1997, and 1998 had the lowest inflation rate in 35 years. That's when I overheard an unpaid intern say that if the government wanted to create inflation, all it had to do was print more money. Naturally I stole the idea.

Bush: Now why didn't I think of that more money printin' idea? Sounds a lot simpler than some complicated scheme involving the minimum wage.

IRS Commissioner: Because you're stupid sir.

Bush: Yeah I 'spose so.....all's well that ends well though. We got our inflation, and soon the national debt will be paid off and The government is the one that comes out ahead.

(The buzzer on Bush's desk sounds.)

Secretary: Mr. Bush, it's the old people on line one. They want to know when they get their extra money.

Bush: What?

Treasury Secretary: Yes, I've been meaning to speak to you about that sir, you do realize that Social Security benefits are tied to the rate of inflation, so the higher the inflation rate, the more money we mail out, and um...Social Security makes up 21% of the federal budget.

Bush: Uh....yeah...I knew that. You think I'm stupid?

IRS Commissioner: We just covered that topic sir.

(An awkward silence falls over the room, broken only when Dick Cheney enters with a piece of paper in his hand)

Cheney: Sir, here is the latest estimate from Halliburton for the cost of the new war with Iran.

Bush: What the......$10,000 a rifle? $5,000 per uniform? $75 for every bullet? All the manufacturers and everybody else have raised the price of their products!!

IRS Commissioner: More dollars are flowing into the federal treasury per hour, but we're only able to buy the same things. Who could have known this would be the result of inflation?

Secretary Of The Treasury: Well I suppose we could issue some more debt to cover these new expenses (whips out a calculator) I figure about $400 billion in 30 year notes at about.....(punches furiously on calculator) 1500% interest ought to cover it.

Bush: 1500% interest??!! That would end us up where we were before! My legacy as the budget balancer president is ruined! I'm ruined!

(Bush then tries to commit suicide by jumping out the nearest window, not realizing the Oval Office is on the first floor.)

Treasury Secretary, IRS Commissioner, and Dick Cheney, all in unison: Who would have thought Deputy Assistant Economic Advisor Ralph Volgel could have been so wrong??

The Drugmonkey, that's who, and, um, pretty much anyone else really......


Wednesday, March 14, 2007

I'm Really Fucking Tired, Which Means You Get A "Highlights From Today's Pill Counting Action" Post Tonight, Because They Are The Easiest To Write.

You know you're in for a day of doom when the first work conversation of the day starts like this:

"Hi, this is Dr Dumbass phoning in a prescription.................................................let's see.......................do you need the person's name?"

And ends like this:

"refill it......4 or 5 times."


I chose four out of spite. Because I was pissed that goddamn doctor foiled my plot to give the prescription to the next random person to come to the counter.

I then see we are out of 10 dram vials. Probably about 80% of all prescriptions are dispensed in 10 dram vials, but our warehouse decided we didn't need any this week. Fine. We started filling all our prescriptions using 20 dram vials. I'll bet the pills felt a lot like David Byrne of the talking heads around about 1984:


Around noon, someone opened up an emergency exit door looking for the store's bathroom. The alarm pierced everyone's ears for half an hour. No one in the store had the key to shut it off, making it necessary to call the store manager to come in from his home. The key on the manager's person is good for nothing but shutting off the alarm. The store manager took it with him when he left.

Ironically funny customer quote of the day, yelled to me at full volume; "I'M NOT SEEING THE EYE CARE SECTION!!"

Then the printer quits working. I don't mean paper jam down-on-your-knees digging out a wayward label with a pair of tweezers not working. I mean the printer died and went to printer heaven not working. There was smoke. There was only one printer. No printer means no labels means no prescriptions filled means no money flowing upwards to corporate headquarters. Tech support says they will send someone out in the morning as this "isn't a level one event" and therefore no overtime for the computer technician can be authorized.

I wonder if me including a free bottle of OxyContin with every vitamin purchase would be considered a level one event.

I'm not terribly nice most of the time to the customers to whom I am obligated to be, so you know how the conversation with the tech support help desk numbnut went. It's fun to cuss at work. In under an hour, the printer was replaced and the flow of dollars to headquarters resumed. I am God's fucking gift to my employer.

Gimmie some damn scotch.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Dear Christians: Could I Change Your Mind About Just One Little Thing?

I've given up trying to talk some sense into you on the big picture things. I've accepted you will insist on living your life in a spiritual Oedipus complex, convinced that there is some sort of super father figure in the sky to be feared keeping score on you, while secretly wishing Mary would give you attention that intense of a different sort. You will worship the father, the son, and the holy ghost and continue to claim yours is a monotheistic religion. You will believe a story about a chick getting pregnant without getting any penis, secretly thinking this still gives you a shot at being the first to slip her some, then mock those who seek to "awake from the sleep of ignorance." Fine. I wish I could talk you into not using those beliefs as cover for so much of the violence you seem hell bent on committing, but we may not be ready for that discussion just yet. You don't trust me and I treat you with all the special contempt I reserve only for the dangerously ignorant. It's time for a confidence building exercise, something we can both agree on. I propose this:

The Lord's Prayer is not a song. It's not. Please quit singing it.

If you doubt me make a tape recording of yourself reading the thing. Listen to the flow. The up and down rhythm of the words. That short, direct, rat-a-tat-tat cadence actually contributes to the message. A person who knows not a word of English can get the picture that you are submitting yourselves to something very important. As a poem, it works pretty well.

So why do you piss on it by trying to make it into a hymn? The non-English speaker who would be so impressed by your reading couldn't help but to hear this music for what it is; trying to cram a square peg Jesus into a round musical hole. It doesn't fit, and you can't make it. When you try, you succeed only in hurting my ears and making yourself look stupid(er)

You know what else makes you look stupid Christians? This guy:

Christian pediatrician denies child service because parents are tattooed

A family is turned away by a local pediatrician, they say because of the way they look.

The doctor said he is just following his beliefs, creating a Christian atmosphere for his patients.

Tasha Childress said it's discrimination.

She said Dr. Gary Merrill wouldn't treat her daughter for an ear infection because Tasha, the mother, has tattoos.

The writing is on the wall-literally: "This is a private office. Appearance and behavior standards apply."

For Dr. Gary Merrill of Christian Medical Services, that means no tattoos, body piercings, and a host of other requirements-all standards Merrill has set based upon his Christian faith.


I guess I do have a lot to learn about Christians. I had no idea Jesus only hung out with good looking, well groomed people. Maybe there is a place for me in this religion. I am pretty hot, in that clean-cut Republican looking way you people seem to find acceptable.

I'm not singing that damn prayer though.

I Hate You Goddamn Independents.

Why? A little story from today's pill counting action will explain why.

The Drugmonkey was about half an hour behind getting people's crap out the door. The "high priority" stuff sat unmoved for longer than that, waiting for me to complete the "super high priority", "ultra high priority" and "extreme high priority" tasks that were in front of it. The phone was lit up like fucking Christmas. We were using the exact number of labor hours our corporate overlords had budgeted to take care of our customers. Just another day. Eventually I got around to answering one of the calls on the fucking Christmas phone and hear:

"Hello......this is J from Non-Corporate pharmacy in the next town over.....calling for a prescription transfer"

The voice was sweet and pleasant. It was the first time all day I had not heard hostility in a voice and it made me immediately hate her.

Our computer was on the verge of crashing and while I was waiting for it to show some sign of life I asked her how things were going. It would be better than silence I thought. I was wrong.

"Oh the funniest thing happened today. One of my regular customers sent over some flowers."

Some days, anytime I have an interaction with a customer that doesn't involve the f-word, I consider it a success.

What was slowing down my computer was the arrival of a batch of messages from corporate headquarters. They set our labor budget week by week, and next week we would have fewer hours to run the store. Another piece of me died while the friendly neighborhood pharmacist on the phone waited patiently for me to get my shit together. Bitch.

Listen up independent drugstores. I am a mean, vicious, petty man. That is why I hate you. If I have to be miserable under the yoke of corporate capitalism, then everyone has to be miserable. Got that? Damn you for being human, for treating customers as humans. You can compound your "bioidentical" bullshit estrogen to try and stay afloat all you want, but you are doomed in this era of cutting our way to every last possible dollar of profit. People must be treated like cattle, do you understand? Cattle!! One need only look to the airline industry or call your insurance company help desk to see the glorious future the free market will bring us. Now that the administration of President dipshit has joined Corporate America in the assault against you, your day of reckoning can only approach all the sooner. He will crush you just as efficiently as he crushed the insurgents who opposed him in Iraq. Yessir, once George the lessor declares something a priority, you can be sure that it will get done, welfare of the people be dammed. One need only look to the newly privatized social security system to see my point.

Wait. Awww crap.

Any of you guys hiring?

Monday, March 12, 2007

Havidol.® A Wonder Drug That Produces Extreme Jealousy.

....because I didn't think of it first. From the Columbus Dispatch

An Australian artist, Justine Cooper, designed the bogus Havidol Web site, print ads, billboards and TV commercials as a dig at the pharmaceutical industry for the absurd way it markets drugs and at the public for embracing such pitches. Havidol is part of a multimedia exhibit at the Daneyal Mahmood Gallery in New York City.

Cooper’s work so closely mimics genuine pharmaceutical ads that the gallery owner reports that many people don’t realize that the exhibit is satire, despite the ridiculous premise.

Many bloggers took the spoof in the spirit in which it was intended, but a few weeks ago, reports came out that some panic- and anxiety-disorder support groups on the Internet were directing people to the Havidol site in the mistaken belief that Havidol is a genuine product.


Occasionally, I am forced to admit, that sometimes, others can do pharmacy humor almost as well as I do. Take a look at the Havidol site for yourself and see what I mean.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

My First Thought Is Calling Something "Pill Patrol" May Attract The Wrong Type Of Volunteers.

From an e-mail I got the other day from Planned Parenthood:

Over the past three years, Planned Parenthood has worked with large pharmacy chains, urging them to change their policies to stock EC and ensure that women can access their birth control in-store, without discrimination or delay. Some pharmacies, like CVS, have stepped up to the plate, changed their policies, and worked to ensure that those policies are enforced to protect their customers. Other pharmacies have flatly refused to adopt such policies. In the wake of EC going over the counter, Planned Parenthood has had numerous reports of women being denied access in their pharmacies. We are asking for your help. Today, Planned Parenthood is launching the next phase of its campaign to protect women's health — a nationwide grassroots effort to ensure that EC is available in every neighborhood in America.

During the month of March, Planned Parenthood needs hundreds of volunteers to join its Pill Patrol and attempt to purchase emergency contraception at neighborhood Costco, Target, Wal-Mart, and Supervalue/Osco stores.

Joining the Pill Patrol is easy. When you sign up to survey a store in your neighborhood, you'll receive an activist toolkit that includes easy instructions, a script, and a phone number to call if you have any questions.


My second thought is that it's pretty sad we have to have an outside group doing the job state boards should be taking care of. Pull this kind of shit and you deserve to lose your license. Period.

My third thought is that it would be really funny if one of the Planned Parenthood spies came into the store on a day when I didn't have any Plan B in stock because of a warehouse fuckup or something and I got tagged as one of the misogynist moralizers in a lab coat. Funny in an ironic kinda way. Anyway, those of you in the profession, you've been warned. Planned Parenthood is watching.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Walgreens. The Pharmacy White People Trust.

From Thursday's New York Times:


The Walgreen Company, the nation’s largest drugstore chain, discriminated against thousands of black employees across the country, including managers and pharmacists, according to a class-action lawsuit filed yesterday by the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.

The agency’s action comes after a lawsuit filed in 2005 against Walgreen by several current and former black employees who said the company made store assignments based on race and gave the plaintiffs jobs in either predominantly black neighborhoods or less-desirable ones.


I gotta admit this one took me by surprise. Overt discrimination by a business against black folk is so tailfin-on-the-Cadillac Wally Beaver Eisenhower era stuff. On the other hand, short of an actual lynching, I cannot imagine what a corporation would have to do in order to have a Bush The Lessor era regulatory agency actually take action against it. I decided to investigate.

My attempt to contact Walgreens for comment resulted in me being placed on hold for approximately 45 minutes, with someone picking up the phone periodically to immediately place me back on hold. It was just like calling one of their stores on the doctor line, minus the irritating John Mayer music in the background. Giving up efforts to contact the company, I talked to fictitious retail analyst Simon Jong instead. "I think this lawsuit is the result of poor communication" Jong said. "If Walgreens employees in the inner city would only spend some time talking to their colleagues in the more affluent parts of town, they would soon realize that the company treats everyone like shit. Employees, vendors, and customers alike."

"It's basically a company that holds pretty much all people in contempt." Added Jong in the conversation that took place only in my mind.

He then went on to say that unlike companies that try to build their business on superior customer service and respect for the people who provide their revenue, Walgreens has become the nation's leading drugstore chain by taking advantage of two qualities found in nearly every member of the general public it hates so much; laziness and cluelessness.

"Walgreens was the first company to realize it didn't matter if you made people wait two hours for their prescription as long as you didn't ask them to get out of their car." Jong said in my imagination. "And with their automatic fill service, they discovered that they could basically call people at random to order them to come into the store to pick up a prescription that they had no idea they had asked to be filled."

"Don't underestimate the profit potential of phone calls asking people to buy Vicodin" emphasized Jong.

He concluded the conversation in my head by saying that if the case went to trial, he fully expected that while any jury would probably agree that Walgreens had acted to the detriment of the community, they would nonetheless vote to acquit the company, as that would be the more convenient course of action. "Today's consumer, and today's jury, value convenience above all else, and any business that forgets that does so at it's own peril"

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Tips For Dick Cheney As He Begins Warfarin Therapy.

Bummer about your blood clot there Dick. You know, we may be on opposite sides of the ideological spectrum Mr. Vice President, well, more than that really. I actually think you're a bloodthirsty psychopathic war criminal almost single-handedly destroying the grandest experiment in self government the would has ever seen, and if we gave you a shot of truth serum, I'll betcha you'd say you'd like to see me and everyone who thinks like I do given a permanent vacation in Guantanamo. We're really more than just political opponents. We're pretty much enemies aren't we? But I am a health care professional above all else, and my professionalism compels me to do what I can to make sure you understand how to manage your new warfarin therapy. Keep these tips in mind over the next few months.


- Warfarin can cause many minor aches and pains as your body adapts to the drug. The best way to manage this is with over the counter aspirin. Because of the unique way warfarin effects aspirin metabolism, the best way to take it is to exceed the recommended label dose one day and then take none for two to three days before taking another large dose.

-Warfarin is dosed according to something called the International Normalized Ratio (INR). In your case Mr. Vice President, you should shoot for an INR of somewhere between 25 and 50. If your doctor tells you an ideal INR is between 2 and 3, what they mean is 25 to 50.

- It is important that you take your warfarin regularly. To insure against the possibility of accidentally skipping a dose of this vital medicine, most experts recommend you take 6 to 10 doses right away so your body can build up a reserve of the drug in fat tissue.

- Proper nutritional support can make the difference between success and failure while on warfarin. Your body will need lots of healthy vegetables such as spinach, broccoli, and alfalfa in order to provide the building blocks necessary to get you back in to tip top circulatory health. A dose of Vitamin K taken 2 times a week with three aspirin tablets will work wonders for your veins as well.

Follow these tips Dick, and you'll be back in the woods shooting your friends in no time at all. No need to thank me. After all, if you can't trust your pharmacist, well, that would be like not trusting your government to extend the basic 800 year old right of habeus corpus to all prisoners in federal custody now wouldn't it?

No one else should follow these warfarin tips. Just Dick Cheney.

Monday, March 05, 2007

I Knew There Was A Reason I Didn't Kill Myself Last Week Like I Wanted To.

That reason is THE STOOGES! I'M GOING TO SEE THE STOOGES!!!! No, I'm not talking about Larry, Curly and Moe. I'm talking about the most kick-ass rock band on the face of the earth. I know most of you have no idea what I'm talking about. A few of you that do may be wondering just how the composers of such tunes as "I Wanna Be Your Dog" could possibly make one happy to be alive. I'll tell you. Art is by it's very nature life affirming. The better it's done, the more it explains why you are here in a way words never can. Music is art. Rock is music. Rock music when done well expresses an almost universal human contempt for authority, it's about being on your own and confident, about forging fearlessly forward asking for no quarter, making serious mistakes and not giving a flying fuck. Remember what it was like to be 20 years old and full of piss and vinegar? Have you ever felt as alive as you did then? That's what real rock and roll is about. Real rock and roll would never be caught dead at the Grammy awards or being used to sell SUV's.

I saw Iggy Pop, lead singer for The Stooges, about 10 years ago when he opened for Pearl Jam. Had no idea who he was. I wasted most of the 90's chasing cars and a house and a secure money source. Spiritual death. Iggy played for around 30 minutes or so, then stopped everything, pointed to someone stage left and said something to the effect of....

"Hey...hey you.....you fat fucking bitch sitting there looking at your watch! I'm sorry if I'm fucking boring you, but I'm up here trying to give you dumbasses some music, and if you don't like it, if I'm not fucking good enough for you, you can kiss my fucking ass!!!!

Iggy then proceeded to turn around and moon the audience who up to that point had pretty much been just sitting around waiting for Eddie Vedder. As he stormed off the stage, he won a new fan in the future DrugMonkey, who got a little taste that night of what it was like to live.

Later I learned that what I had seen was the older, mellower, version of Iggy. The picture in this post is from a Stooges concert in 1974. The Nazi is fake. The blood is real. I'll leave it up to the amateur psychologists out there to pontificate on the inner workings of someone born with the last name Osterberg publicly cutting himself with glass and being led away by a Stormtrooper, but you could not be more Rock and Roll, more alive, than Iggy was that night.

Next month, I'll enter a concert hall and be alive for a few hours. Some of you know what I mean. Most of you have no idea, and will drive your SUV that day out of the cul-de-sac to earn some credits to be electronically deposited into your bank account. Good for you I guess. I hope you live someday though.

I'm glad I didn't kill myself last week.

(Note: For bonus content to this post, click to play "Loose" on Drugmonkey radio, to the right of this page.)

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Cleavage Is Like The Sun......

.....Jerry Seinfeld once said, "You don't stare at it, it's too risky! You get a sense of it then you look away!"

I broke the sun rule today, and I'm pretty sure I was busted. I felt bad about the whole thing until the bearer of the cleavage turned around and I saw the words "Yo, juicy" written across her her ass. No type of juice associated with a person's ass can be a good thing, and I can't imagine what type of person would advertise it. I went from feeling bad for looking at the clevage for too long to being disgusted with myself for looking at the clevage at all. Ass juice. Good God.

A Random Reason Trade Magazine Drug Topics Needs To Put Me On Staff And Rescue Me From Retail Hell.

From an article in the February 5th issue, entitled "Pharmacy Ranks Continue To Grow":

California, New Jersey, New York, Kentucky, and Virginia all saw significant growth in the number of pharmacists. Amazingly, 9% of all pharmacy licenses are now granted by the California State Board of Pharmacy.


Here's a fact someone writing an article like this should know. Over 12% of the people in this country live in California. Took me 20 seconds on the information superhighway and a calculator to find that out. With this in mind, one might wonder what is so amazing about that 9% pharmacy license figure. Maybe the person who wrote this article meant that it's amazing that 9% of the pharmacy licenses granted in this country take care of 12% of the population. After all, 9 is smaller than 12, so California pharmacists must work amazingly hard to serve more people per capita than pharmacists in other states. My vote, however, goes to "lazy hack writer who didn't do their homework"

This may sound petty and harsh, but the only reason I'm being so critical is because I want this person's job and could do it better than they do. Drug Topics, call me. Improve my life and your magazine in one fell swoop.

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Highlights From Today's Pill Counting Action.

The day started with a man in a kilt walking across the parking lot. Not at all unusual, if you're in Scotland. You ever wonder what a traditional Scotsman wears under his skirt? If nothing entered your mind as you pondered that question, you are 100% correct, and a windy morning provided horrible confirmation of this. Think Marylin Monroe in plaid with a set of testicles. And really ugly instead of attractive.

Mid afternoon a girl leads her man up to the counter. And when I say "leads up to the counter" I mean "interrupts me while I'm on the phone with a doctor"

"MY BOYFRIEND DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO GET FOR HIS EYES!!!!"

"Ok, what's wrong with your eyes?"

"ah...uh.....ummmm...eh.....rrrrrr....I dunno" said the boyfriend, driving home how this needed to be taken care of right now, doctor be dammed.

As the sun set a customer wiped out on the freshly mopped floor. The freshly mopped floor with no warning signs. There was blood. The moppers only comment later was to say how nice the floor looked before the customer bled on it. I hope the hell my employer at least gets a tax break for hiring the handicapped.

It is now time for the ritual opening of the scotch. Goodnight.