Tuesday, March 31, 2009

The National Community Pharmacists Association Takes Bold, Decisive Action To Safeguard Our Professional Interests.

Cut and Pasted from an article in Drug Topics , the leading pharmacy trade mag, about a recent nationwide increase in pharmacy robberies:


The National Community Pharmacists Association (NCPA) started noticing an increase in pharmacy robberies about a year ago. As a result, it started a program to help its members prevent and deter robberies.......NCPA is also seeking congressional designation for "Protect Your Pharmacy Week," its annual awareness campaign, which will take place April 13 through April 17.

"We believe such support will help raise public awareness of the issue," (NPCA senior director of communications and marketing outreach Valerie)Briggs said.


"After all" Briggs didn't go on. "Now that the wars in Afganistan and Iraq have been wrapped up successfully and the global economic meltdown is behind us, we at NPCA can think of no better use of time for the 111th Congress than letting people know that robbing a drugstore is a bad thing."

As the auto industry collapses around him, 29 year old Martin Briggs of Detroit would seem to perfectly illustrate the payoff of NPCA's courageous efforts.

"I feel a little foolish admitting it now" said the recently laid off Chrysler assembly worker with a budding narcotic addiction. "But until I saw this proposed piece of legislation being discussed on C-Span the other day while I was crushing some Oxycontin tablets, I had no idea that waving a pistol around at the pharmacy and demanding drugs without paying for them was a bad thing to do. Now I realize it's important to obtain a proper prescription first, and then rob a 7-11 to acquire the funds to pay for it."

"NPCA changed my life" Briggs concluded. "Do you ever feel bugs on your skin in the middle of the night? I've been feeling bugs on my skin a lot all the sudden"  

Experts predict that should NPCA be successful in actually getting members of the United States Congress to take seriously this turd of an idea, pharmacy robberies will go down by a factor of at least 50%.

"It's counterintuitive I know", said noted fictitious Harvard sociologist Howard Malone. "But the average street criminal is influenced a great deal by meaningless proclamations from their congressional delegation that have no force of law." He pointed to the dramatic fall in accidental asphyxiations among gang members after Congress declared "National Heimlich Maneuver Awareness Month" in June of 2005.

Malone then paused for a few seconds, burst out laughing and said "I was just fucking with you. No one pays attention to this stupid shit. Now get out of my office"   



I Implore You, Please Think Of The Dark Side Of Having Mentally Healthy Fish.

THURSDAY, March 26 -- Fish from five U.S. rivers were found to be tainted with traces of medications and common chemicals, according to a new study from the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency and Baylor University.

The common antihistamine diphenhydramine (Benadryl), an anticonvulsant and two types of antidepressants were among the seven types of pharmaceuticals found in the tissue and livers of fish from waterways in or near Chicago, Dallas, Philadelphia, Phoenix and Orlando, Fla. Each river is considered "effluent-dominated," because they receive large amounts of wastewater discharge from nearby sewage treatment plants

Previous research has concluded that behavior vital for fish survival, such as mating and fighting, can be affected if too much antidepressant residue collects in their systems.

The medications and chemicals found from among the 36 tested for were, aside from diphenhydramine:

the cholesterol drug gemfibrozil (Lopid), which researchers say had never before been found in wild fish;

diltiazem (Cardizem), a medication that helps control high blood pressure;

carbamazepine (Tegretol), a drug used for epilepsy and bipolar disorder;

norfluoxetine, an active ingredient in the antidepressant fluoxetine (Prozac);
the antidepressant sertraline (Zoloft);

galaxolide and tonalide, common odor-enhancing ingredients in soap and other hygiene products.



It had been a dark decade for Charlie The Tuna. Sometime in the late 90's he realized he would never be caught, killed, sliced up, put in oil, and distributed throughout the land by the Starkist Tuna Company. Doing so had been his life's dream, and for 30 years he had sincerely believed that all he needed to make it happen was the right mental attitude and some hard work. Sometime in the late 90's though, it sunk in, and Charlie sunk with it. He drank hard most every night, trying to forget. He hadn't made sweet love to Mrs. Tuna since sometime in 2001, but she stood lovingly by her mate, even as the salmon encroached on his territory and he was too hung over to fight them off. Today though, something was different. Today, the Prozac reached Charlie's brain.

He sprung out of bed, swam outside, and took a chunk out of the tail of the punk-ass eel who was tagging the side of his house. Mrs. Tuna saw the spark in Charlie, and they fucked like wild beasts. Charlie was alive.

His chest pain was gone.

His eyes were no longer red and watery.

His odor was enhanced.

"Martha" he proclaimed to his wife. "I'm taking one last shot. I'm the best goddamn tuna in this goddamn ocean, and I've got to make the people at Starkist understand."

Tears welled up in Martha's eyes, but she loved Charlie, and she wanted above all for him to be happy. She wrapped her arms around him, and whispered softly in his ear, "You show them tiger" 

Charlie looked up at the sunlight that bathed the shallow water. He knew he had to think outside the box to make his dream come true. He knew the decision makers at Starkist were in the land of the light.

He thrust himself upward. He thrust himself into the world of the unknown, the world of risk, the world of dreams. The world that contained Starkist's corporate headquarters.

He landed on the beach. He immediately suffocated, as he had not the biological equipment to extract oxygen from the atmosphere. His carcass was picked over by a seagull.

I'm sorry, Charlie.


Saturday, March 28, 2009

A Quickie From The "Our Leadership Is Wise And Just" File.

So.....need a reason why reform of our dysfunctional health care "system" has to come from the federal level, as opposed to leaving it to the numbnut hacks that tend to show up in the 50 statehouses around this country? Sure, I'll give you one. To the *cough* great state of Texas, via the Austin American-Statesman:


Give state Rep. Gary Elkins some credit for being honest.

At a hearing Thursday of the House Committee on Human Services, Elkins and other members of the panel considered more than two dozen bills related to Medicaid and the Children's Health Insurance Program.

Three hours into the hearing, Elkins asked: "What's Medicaid?"

The Houston Republican continued: "I know I hear it — I really don't know what it is. I know that's a big shock to everybody here in the audience, OK."


Actually, no, I'm not shocked at all. The words "Houston," "Republican," and "dumb as a fucking rock" seem to have a way of going together. 

He could have kept quiet. He could have asked an aide. He could have Googled it. Instead, he asked the question into the microphone in the middle of a public hearing.

This doesn't surprise me either. Texas Republicans seem to take a perverse pride in their ignorance. God forbid they come across as all uppity and book learned. 

Medicaid, for the record, is the federal-state health insurance program for low-income people and people with disabilities. Elkins is new to the Human Services Committee. However, he's served in the House since 1995, where one of the main tasks is crafting the state budget.

A quarter of the state budget is Medicaid.


Yeah. Not a lot left here to say really. 

Fucking dumbass.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Kicking Lloyd DuPlantis Jr. Of Gray Louisiana While He's Down. Because You Have To Keep Kicking His Type Until You're Sure They're Not Getting Back Up

It would seem that congratulations are in order. Lloyd Duplantis of Gray, Louisiana and his ilk are, as we live and breathe, being ushered from the house of science they invaded so brazenly almost four years ago. For those of you who aren't regular readers of my little blog garden, or who don't hang on every word I write, I'll tell you that Lloyd Duplantis of Gray, Louisiana is perhaps the greatest single influence in shaping the collection of words you now see in front of you. The day he got on National Public radio and declared to the world that he does not sell birth control pills "in the name of science" was the day I woke up to the feeling that there were barbarians at the gate to my home. You are free to be a lunatic religious fundamentalist all you'd like my friends, but the day you start pretending you are not, the day you mask your Jesus agenda and claim you are acting on facts instead of faith, you have crossed a line. 

And when your kind maneuvers itself behind the levers of political power in this country  to the point where you can deny morning after contraception to those under 18 because of "safety concerns," when not a single study exists to show there is any greater risk to women under 18, you have crossed another. Lloyd DuPlantis of Gray, Louisiana and his ilk took us on a scary-ass ride there for awhile. I admit it, I was scared. So what'd I do? I got behind my keyboard and typed some stuff, that's what I did. For years I've been typing stuff that has called bullshit on Lloyd DuPlantis of Gray, Louisiana and his ilk.

Evidently it finally did the trick. From yesterday's New York Times:

 
A federal judge ordered the Food and Drug Administration on Monday to make the Plan B morning-after birth control pill available without prescription to women as young as 17.
The judge ruled that the agency had improperly bowed to political pressure from the Bush administration in 2006 when it set 18 as the age limit.

The agency has 30 days to comply with the order, in which the judge also urged the agency to consider removing all restrictions on over-the-counter sales of Plan B.


“It is a complete vindication of the argument that reproductive rights advocates have been making for years, that in the Bush administration it was politics, not science, driving decisions around women’s health,” said Nancy Northup, president of the Center for Reproductive Rights, the attorneys for the plaintiff in the suit against the F.D.A."

"All hail to the wise and just Drugmonkey" Northup added. "Whose lone voice of sanity carried us through dark times, and may have been the single thread upon which all of logic and reason was hanging during the full scale assault on the scientific method that took place under George W. Bush and the Radical Republican Congress." She didn't really say that. Although it's true. 

They are being ushered from the house of science they tried to invade, but they are not going without a peep:


Some conservative groups voiced concern that the ruling could promote sexual promiscuity. “Now some minor girls will be able to obtain this drug without any guidance from a doctor and without any parental supervision,” the Family Research Council said in a statement.


"And we all know that minor girls who are too irresponsible and lack the impulse control to not take some penis without a plan to stop a shortie from popping out make the best parents" The Council went on to say. "Especially when they are forced to raise children they didn't want to have. This decision, quite simply, will rob this country of the best and brightest of our next generation" 

"It will also make it more likely the minor girl will at some point get her head out of her ass, become successful in life, and therefore be less likely to vote for candidates we support" the statement didn't add. "This ruling has the potential to cripple our power base......um...I mean...harm young women....because of safety or something. Yeah....it's all about safety"

They didn't really say that. Although it's true.

So while what you did in November is important, and you should be happy, and patting yourself on the ass the way football players who think they're not gay pat themselves on the ass when they're happy, don't think you should stop kicking the likes of Lloyd Duplantis of Gray, Louisiana and his ilk. 

Because you and I both know they'll be back. Pat yourself on the ass for awhile and get ready to huddle up for the next play. 

And let's never let them scare us again.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Nurse Practitioners: All The Attitude Of A Physician, None Of The Skills.

My friends, this night I will convince you that all Nurse Practitioners should be stripped of their prescribing authority. Actually I won't do it, a Nurse Practitioner who chose to put on public display her incredible ignorance will. All I will do is cut and paste a letter to the editor from the leading trade magazine Drug Topics:

Generics are not the same

I am an NP in pediatrics — old school, you could say — practicing for close to 20 years. I have a real problem with generics for my patients, family, and myself. I was taught and have read that certain generics such as those used in warfarin and cardiac therapy should not be used.

Even the slightest difference could prove harmful. An oncologist here in town will only use brand Coumadin for her patients. I witnessed my father's blood pressure soar after only a few days on a generic and quickly return to normal after he took an extra dose and then went back to brand. I find various generic antidepressants have little to no therapeutic effects on the majority of my patients.

Brand drug prices are soaring. No one really talks about this subject, and consumers, our patients, should know or have a choice!

Jeanne Monaco, BM, BSN, MSN, ARN, CPNP


Dear Jeanne, 

I am a community pharmacist that has practiced for almost 20 years-old school you could say-if you were dumb, because there are about as many people who have practiced longer than me as there are people who haven't been practicing as long. So you could call me old school if you want, but a little mental effort would tell you I am really middle school. 

But the fact you have no sense of time doesn't make you stupid. Well, actually it does, but that wouldn't be a problem if that was where the stupidity ended. The real reason I'm posting here Jeanne, is to let the world know all Nurse Practitioners are incompetent. I have a real problem with Nurse Practitioners for my patients, family, and myself. I was taught and have read that some Nurse Practitioners don't know what the word "bioequivalent" means and should not be used.

I know an oncologist who refuses to let his wife or anyone he cares about see a Nurse Practitioner. And one time, I witnessed a patient who was treated by a Nurse Practitioner, then died. Many other people have died after seeing Nurse Practitioners as well. One other time, a person I know being treated by a Nurse Practitioner went code blue at the hospital, only to quickly return to normal after being attended to by a physician. I find various Nurse Practitioners to have little to no therapeutic effects on the majority of my patients.

The cost to see a physician is soaring. No one really talks about this subject, and consumers, our patients, should know or have a choice!

So there you go Jeanne, I just proved Nurse Practitioners are dangerous and should be avoided. The same way you took down over two decades worth of real world data and scientific evidence regarding generic drugs in 143 words. Or I just pulled a bunch of shit out of my ass, one of the two. Either way, our letters are remarkably similar, yes? 

Something tells me you don't see my point. 

Drugmonkey

ABU, NCH, OFLET, TERS, TOH, IDE, IMAM, ORON

Sunday, March 15, 2009

I Evidently Have The Ear Of President Obama, As I Should. We Will All Be Smarter As A Result.

I'll admit I've been a bit saddened that Barack hasn't called, or written, or even signed up to follow me on twitter since assuming the office of President of The United States. I mean, prostituting myself to those hicks in Iowa was no doubt instrumental in securing the good Karma that allowed him to capture the White House. Prostituting to hicks is always good for Karma, and I'm sure a vote or two. 

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I was expecting an ambassadorship or appointment as Secretary of Health and Human Services in return for my generous and unyielding support, although that would have been nice, and would have worked out better for the administration, considering I have always made it a point to keep my account with the IRS current. No my friends, all I really expected in return for getting behind my keyboard and making someone the most powerful person in the world was good government. And it looks like good government I am going to get. From the February 15th New York Times. 

Yes I said February 15th. I've only made claims that I am right about all things governmental, never that I am timely:

WASHINGTON — The $787 billion economic stimulus bill approved by Congress will, for the first time, provide substantial amounts of money for the federal government to compare the effectiveness of different treatments for the same illness.

Under the legislation, researchers will receive $1.1 billion to compare drugs, medical devices, surgery and other ways of treating specific conditions.

I wrote about the problem about to be solved back in December. In a nutshell, companies are required only to prove a drug works better than a placebo to win FDA approval. Not that it works better than what is already on the market. So in most cases, there is zero scientific evidence that one med may work better or have a better cost/effectiveness ratio than another. Is Wellbutrin better than Prozac at treating your depression? Who the fuck knows? Might Buspar be a better alternative than benzodiapines for treating anxiety? Might as well have a chimp throw a dart against the wall to find out. The one time the government undertook a large scale head-to-head drug effectiveness study, focusing on hypertension meds, it found the cheap as dirt and rarely prescribed diuretic chlorthaladone to be the most effective med in preventing heart attacks, strokes, and heart failure combined.

Wow. we've only wasted a few katrillion dollars by not giving people the most effective hypertension treatment for the last few decades. Not to mention we all look really stupid. Well my friends, in case you haven't noticed, willful ignorance and stupidity no longer have an ally in the White House:

Dr. Elliott S. Fisher of Dartmouth Medical School said the federal effort would help researchers try to answer questions like these:

Is it better to treat severe neck pain with surgery or a combination of physical therapy, exercise and medications? What is the best combination of “talk therapy” and prescription drugs to treat mild depression?

How do drugs and “watchful waiting” compare with surgery as a treatment for leg pain that results from blockage of the arteries in the lower legs? Is it better to treat chronic heart failure by medications alone or by drugs and home monitoring of a patient’s blood pressure and weight?

Who would not want to know the answers to these types of questions? The stupid and willfully ignorant, that's who. Keeping that in mind, it'll be a big surprise whose name comes up in the next quote:

But critics say the legislation could put the government in the middle of the doctor-patient relationship.

Bureaucrats “will monitor treatments to make sure your doctor is doing what the federal government deems appropriate and cost-effective,” Betsy McCaughey, a former lieutenant governor of New York, wrote on Bloomberg.com. Rush Limbaugh broadcast the charges to millions who listen to his radio talk show.

Um......evidently you showed up to the train station a little late Betsy. Show me a doctor, any doctor, who isn't being monitored at this very moment by some suit to make sure they are practicing medicine in accordance with the suit's employer's interest. We've all heard of prior auths, yes? They've been happening for decades now. 

Well God fucking forbid that suit be representing the interests of the people of this country as opposed to a corporation mandated only to accumulate as many dollars as possible. God fucking forbid that suit be working for someone who can be held accountable for their actions. I distinctly remember having the chance to vote for Barack Obama. I clearly recall working on his behalf and against that of his opponent. I am also given my say every few years regarding other federal offices, such as Senator, or Congressperson. 

In contrast, I have yet to be offered a ballot in an Aetna election. Have you? No one at Aetna gives a fuck what I think, but I saw my Congressman at the gas station the other day, and chatted him up for a few minutes. No lie. My friggin' Congressman was pumping his own gas and getting told by one of his constituents he wants a single payer health care system. Try that with an executive from Aetna if you ever see them pumping their own gas. 

And while you're at it, imagine how far you'll get writing your Congressperson when Aetna gives you the shaft versus when a public system, overseen by Congress, gives you the shaft. 

Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself. President Obama hasn't proposed a truly public health system yet, but he has taken a step towards things the Drugmonkey has been advocating, which makes him a pretty sweet-ass president so far. He also has yet to make up any bullshit reasons to start a war with a country that didn't attack us, which again, contrasts him favorably with his predecessor. 

Maybe we could get Rush on board by proposing a study of whether Oxycontin is more effective than Percocet at keeping the bugs off his skin. 

Fuck it. We don't need Rush on board. We are running the show now baby, and I don't need a study to tell me that's a vast improvement. 

Friday, March 13, 2009

I Discover The Chinese Grass-Mud Horse Is The Key To Maintaining Employee Morale In The Wake Of Corporate Bullshit.

It doesn't exist, this grass-mud horse. It's mythical. Like a unicorn. But like that imaginary animal, the grass-mud horse is magical as well. The key perhaps, to bringing down tyrannical regimes both communist and corporate. This night I discovered the power of the Chinese grass-mud horse for myself, and for the entire staff of the happy pill room. 

Wednesday's New York Times broke the story of the grass-mud horse for most of us in the west only last Wednesday, but evidently it has been quite the rage in the land of Mao for a couple months now:


Since its first unheralded appearance in January on a Chinese Web page, the grass-mud horse has become nothing less than a phenomenon.

A YouTube children’s song about the beast has drawn nearly 1.4 million viewers. A grass-mud horse cartoon has logged a quarter million more views. A nature documentary on its habits attracted 180,000 more. Stores are selling grass-mud horse dolls. Chinese intellectuals are writing treatises on the grass-mud horse’s social importance. The story of the grass-mud horse’s struggle against the evil river crab has spread far and wide across the Chinese online community.

Not bad for a mythical creature whose name, in Chinese, sounds very much like an especially vile obscenity. Which is precisely the point.

A little Googling reveals the obscenity to be "fuck your mother," which adds Chinese to the list of 3 languages in which I can say the phrase. It's the only thing I can say in Vietnamese without mangling the accent to the point that the Vietnamese person has no idea what I'm trying to get out of my mouth. (It's kinda like doo-MAH-may. The key is to think of it as flowing like "your mamma")

Government computers scan Chinese cyberspace constantly, hunting for words and phrases that censors have dubbed inflammatory or seditious. When they find one, the offending blog or chat can be blocked within minutes.

China’s online population has always endured censorship, but the oversight increased markedly in December, after a pro-democracy movement led by highly regarded intellectuals, Charter 08, released an online petition calling for an end to the Communist Party’s monopoly on power.

Shortly afterward, government censors began a campaign, ostensibly against Internet pornography and other forms of deviance. By mid-February, the government effort had shut down more than 1,900 Web sites and 250 blogs — not only overtly pornographic sites, but also online discussion forums, instant-message groups and even cellphone text messages in which political and other sensitive issues were broached.

It was against this background that the grass-mud horse and several mythical companions appeared in early January on the Chinese Internet portal Baidu. The creatures’ names, as written in Chinese, were innocent enough. But much as “bear” and “bare” have different meanings in English, their spoken names were double entendres with inarguably dirty second meanings.

So while “grass-mud horse” sounds like a nasty curse in Chinese, its written Chinese characters are completely different, and its meaning —taken literally — is benign. Thus the beast not only has dodged censors’ computers, but has also eluded the government’s own ban on so-called offensive behavior.

BBBWWWAAAAHHHAAAAHHHAAAAAA......if I were Chinese I would be so all over the grass-mud horse. Naturally, I told my staff about it first thing this morning. It's the kind of oddball thing they've come to expect to hear from the Drugmonkey. They're actually very good about putting up with my oddball stories.

Then I looked over a memo outlining my employer's newest "bonus" program. Those of you familiar with my employer know that it has its own unique definition of the word "bonus." Specifically, "a program designed with criteria that are known in advance to be unattainable, thereby allowing management to make rank and file employees feel bad about their job performance"

Or criteria that can be changed. The last "bonus" program involved prescription transfers. Until they decided, after the "bonus" period ended, that it involved prescription transfers and a heretofore unknown percentage growth in prescriptions filled as well.

And now they were back. Not only thinking we're dumb enough to fall for their shit again, but topping off the shit cake with a layer of condescending icing:

I'm paraphrasing here, but it went something like, "$250 isn't much to you pharmacists, but it can mean a lot to your technicians and cashiers, so you need to be not so callous and get with the program, because you're not being fair to them"

"Grass-mud horse (insert DM's name here)" I thought to myself as I wadded up the memo.

It was at that moment that I was hit with mud horse magic. I called an impromptu staff meeting to explain the new Drugmonkey bonus program.

My DM was right about something for the first time ever. When you're single and making Pharmacist bucks, $250 is tip change. That's why the next time I show up for work, I will be carrying an envelope with $300 real cash money inside. The first pharmacy staff member who can work the words "grass" "mud" and "horse" into a conversation with a customer, in that order, gets the envelope. Tax free. To make it interesting, I'll be playing along as well. If I can do it, the envelope goes back into my pocket.

Cynicism was replaced with hope, apathy with sincere effort. My new bonus program was the talk of the pill room this day. I am the best manager ever. All thanks to the grass-mud horse.

In Tagalog it's putang ina mo.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

The Hour Is Getting Late. I Am Exhausted. But This Is A Story That Needs To Be Told.

If you're in Florida, and you'd like to have sex with a goat, you'd better hurry up, because the socialists that dominate that state's legislature seem to be hell-bent on taking that right away from you:


The act of bestiality is a step closer to becoming illegal in Florida now that a Senate committee voted to slap a third-degree felony charge on anyone who has sex with animals.

Florida is one of only 16 states that still permit bestiality -– a fact that animal-rights activist and Sunrise Sen. Nan Rich learned to her horror when a Panhandle man three years ago was suspected of accidentally asphyxiating a family goat with which he was copulating.

But the Mossy Head man suspected of assaulting Meg the Goat was never charged, because law enforcement officials could never link him to the crime scene. The suspect was arrested in a separate goat-abducting months later, said Walton County Assistant State Attorney Walter Parker.


OK, I gotta tell you. I would never fuck a goat. Have you ever seen a goat's eyes? Goats have creepy-ass looking eyes. Evil, devilish looking eyes. A total turn off. I seriously have to question this man's judgement when it comes to choosing an animal sex mate, even if he does have a Mossy Head. 

I also would now never have sex with Tina Fey, a woman I used to find quite attractive, because she would remind me too much of Sarah Palin. One thing Sarah Palin taught me during her run for the Vice-Presidency is that I do, in fact, have standards. 

But back to the goat fucking. "Drugmonkey" I can hear some of you saying. "Fucking a goat is weird, and kinda funny in a weird way, but you seem to be more of the type who is entertained by human cluelessness as opposed to dark sexual perversion." 

You would be right. 


Rich’s proposal was amended to target only those who derived or helped others derive “sexual gratification” from an animal. The amendment specified that conventional dog-judging contests and animal-husbandry practices are permissible.

That last provision tripped up Miami Democratic Sen. Larcenia Bullard.

“People are taking these animals as their husbands? What’s husbandry?” she asked. Some senators stifled their laughter as Chairman Charlie Dean explained that husbandry was the rearing and caring of animals.

Bullard didn’t get it.

“So that maybe have been the reason the lady was so upset about that monkey?" Bullard asked, referring to a Connecticut case where a woman’s suburban chimpanzee want mad and was shot.

“I’m not familiar with that particular incident or case,” Dean said.

So......putting aside the fact that that question came not from one of my customers, but from a member of the State Senate of Florida, what if you're at a conventional dog-judging contest and you say something like "hey, that dog's got a nice ass?" Ambiguity abounds. I sense a Supreme Court case. The evil eyes of a goat may be the starting point of the destruction of the First Amendment my friends, and thereby the foundation of our very republic. You have been warned. 

And we haven't even gotten into why that lady was so upset about the monkey.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

I Face Down A Danger Of Unknown Quantity Or Origin During My Lunch Break.

The test of my mettle came while I was on my way to Subway. I like to go to Subway for lunch because it's the only place in the mall where the Mexicans don't treat me like some sort of privileged White-God too good to make direct eye contact with. At Subway the Mexicans look at me and smile. I like that. But to get there I first had to overcome this:

Obviously there was danger between me and my meatball marinara. Danger that had evidently taken its toll on other unfortunates. That's why the mall's management took the step of reminding me to keep in mind safety first before I gave thought to going up three stairs. I evaluated the situation. 

First I would have to know just what danger I was up against. I inspected the concrete steps from a safe distance. Seeing no structural defects I approached, and looked for cracks, or perhaps some sort of spilled slick liquid. I found none. I briefly considered the possibility that the warning cone was placed there by mistake, until I noticed similar devices on two other staircases within view.  I remembered I have yet to prepare a will. I started to bargain with God to get me out of this staircase hell alive. 

"Just go up the ramp Drugmonkey!!" I said to myself. "It's not worth it! What are you trying to prove?" That's when the guy in the suit came along. The guy in the suit went down the ramp. Like some sort of girl. No. That was not going to be me. I approached the set of tri-stairs and put one foot above the other. Three times. I was now at the top, overcome with the rush of adrenaline and euphoria that comes only from daring to do what most of us fear. I climbed the stairs for the same reason Sir Edmund Hillary climbed Mt. Everest, because it was there. You probably wouldn't understand. 

I ordered double cheese on my sub to celebrate, and felt a renewed sense of manliness in my heart as I completed the day's prescriptions. 

Tomorrow I may not use the handrail. 

Saturday, March 07, 2009

Please Forget The U2 You Saw On David Letterman This Week, But Please Always Remember The U2 I Discovered In Junior High

I admit I only bought the record, unheard, because I thought "Sunday Bloody Sunday" was one of the coolest song titles ever.  It did turn out to be a pretty cool song, but not for the reasons the little 13 year old Beavis who bought the tune was thinking. "Bloody Sunday" for those of you who don't know, is the name for a day when the British military shot 27 Northern Irish protesters. Thirteen died. Seven children. 


I cant believe the news today
Oh, I cant close my eyes and make it go away
How long...
How long must we sing this song?
How long? how long...

cause tonight...we can be as one
Tonight...


Tonight we can be as one. Everyone, on both sides, can agree this never should have happened. Heavy stuff. Exactly the kind of stuff a child redneck needed to hear. 

But it didn't end there. Around the time I would have seen my first black person, I got hit with "Pride (In The Name of Love)" Of course I didn't understand. 

Free at last, they took your life
They could not take your pride

But the obvious power and passion with which those words were delivered made me want to learn. It's a good thing for child rednecks to want to learn. And the more I learned the more I cherished those words. The words that were a rock thrown against the wall of injustice that was built, guarded and made unchangeable by the powerful and privileged. Fine. They can keep it. There are things that are more important, even at the expense of your life. They never took Dr. King's pride. 

But it didn't end there. In college the child redneck caught "Rattle and Hum," the flick, as a Saturday night midnight movie.  If you don't watch any other part of this video, watch the segment that starts at 3:49


"And let me tell you something. I've had enough of Irish-Americans, who haven't been back to their country in 20 or 30 years, come up to me, and talk about the resistance, the revolution back home. And the glory of the revolution, and the glory of dying for the revolution. Fuck the revolution!

They don't talk about the glory of killing for the revolution. What's the glory in taking a man from his bed and gunning him down in front of his wife and his children? Where's the glory in that? Where's the glory in bombing a remembrance day parade of old-age pensioners, their medals taken out and polished up for the day? Where's the glory in that? To leave them dying, or crippled for life, or dead under the rubble, of a revolution, that the majority of the people of my country, don't want.......No more!!!!"

The child redneck decided not to sell his soul to the ROTC for college money after seeing that flick. No more. Jesus, Mary and Joseph I will never forget the atmosphere in that theater as that movie ended. I would not be in the ROTC, I would be in an army of 20 year olds who were soon to be unleashed on the world who would put up with no more. We were young, we were energy, and God Dammit, things were gonna change. 

I soon thereafter sold my soul to retail pharmacy and started to meekly fill prescriptions. U2 soon thereafter released "Achtung Baby" a fine but noticeably meeker record. 

My next U2 crowd experience came in Los Angeles almost 12 years later. I looked around and saw the army of the young and impassioned had become the sportcoat wearing paunchy and balding, waving to their friends on the other side of the arena while using their cellphone. George W. Bush was president, and he was about to show the nation the glory of invading a country that did not attack us. The music had been neutered. I think that night was the first time I felt old. Maybe the next generation.....

This isn't a sad story though, because I want to show you something else before I go. Two things actually. One is an excerpt from the eulogy of Robert Kennedy:


"Few will have the greatness to bend history itself, but each of us can work to change a small portion of events, and in the total of all those acts will be written the history of this generation. It is from numberless diverse acts of courage and belief that human history is shaped. Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, those ripples build a current that can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance."


Keep those words in mind as you watch this. As you watch those words that would never be any more than a rock thrown against the permanent, entrenched wall of injustice imposed by the privileged and forever guarded. As you watch the occasion on which those words were being sung.




 

We managed to send out a few ripples, didn't we? We can send out a few more before we're done.