Thursday, February 06, 2014

CVS Makes A Paradigm-Shifting, Disruptively Innovative, Strategically Focused Business Decision. Then Wows The World With Its Modesty.

WOONSOCKET, RI- In a major announcement seemingly sent simultaneously to every media outlet in the world, leading pharmacy operator CVS unveiled a bold decision unlike anything it or any other drugstore operator has tried in living memory.

Actually doing the right thing for once.

The operator of over 7,000 pharmacies and possible spawn of Satan announced it would phase out the sale of tobacco products in its stores over the next eight months, leading almost no one to ask "Why the hell was a company that claims to be a health care leader selling tobacco in the first place?"

Instead, the company that has, among other things,  fought multiple accusations of Medicare/Medicaid fraud, violates the intent of the North Carolina Board of Pharmacy's labor standards with impunity, once dispensed multiple prescriptions written for children's flouride with an anti-cancer drug, and was caught employing a fake pharmacist when someone finally bothered to do a routine license check has been treated like it won the Nobel Peace Prize or something.

"You don't get a cookie for doing what you're supposed to do!!" comedian Chris Rock once said in his act. But evidently he was very wrong, as everyone from the AMA to anti-cancer groups to the president of the United States has lined up to present cookies of all flavors to the drug chain that recently finished tied for last place in Consumer Reports ranking of pharmacies.

Hopefully they were low fat cookies. Not the kind that CVS sells.

"This is a wonderful way to distract attention from the ways in which our company falls short......" said CVS President and CEO Larry Merlo before a lawyer started whispering in his ear. "I mean, I'm proud that we're able to finally set an example for ethical business practices and make those fuckers at Walgreen's look like, and do the right thing."

"I'd like the word 'finally' struck from the record" the lawyer then added.

Asked if the company might now look for other ways in which it could actually do the right thing, Merlo was noncommittal, but did say, "This one is gonna cost us two billion dollars, so you can probably guess. Right now we'll just savor the fact we actually  one time took into consideration the possibility that we might want to live up to the image we like to project."

"After all,"  he concluded, "that's a claim no other drug chain can make."


FailedMetric said...

Amazon apparently gets the credit and/or blame for this:

bcmigal said...

CVS has received gazillions of dollars worth of positive spin for free for the mere cost of a press release. All for discontinuing the sale of a low profitability, high theft, and non sales generating item. They may lose 2 billion in "sales" but not 2 billion in " profit". Let me know when they stop selling liquor and potato chips. And when they start treating their employees like human beings, I will be the first to applaud.

Anonymous said...

Attention grab, nothing to see here. I'll be interested to see how many hours are cut to make up for the loss of $2 billion in sales. Hope you CVS pharmacists are ready to do even more with less.

Anonymous said...

Get ready to to start up-selling gummy bears when making those new rx pick-up calls....

Anonymous said...

I work the front store and, on the same week CVS announced they'll spend a gajillion dollars on smoking cessation or whatever, I noticed that the pharmacist is no longer closing with a tech.

I asked her why and she said her tech hours (she's a floater) got cut "a lot".

Anonymous said...

I think I just puked in my mouth. Why not show the media the actual profit margin on those smokes and the fines paid for selling to underage kids? Unfortunately they are too big. Money talks, apparently so does bullshit.

Anonymous said...

Don't drop your TIL's for Spiriva yet, folks! This is a strategic move…..gotta make room for legal marijuana! (keeping my fingers cross and my Doritos well stocked)

But yeah, in regards to anonymous above quoting the floater's comment about tech hrs. Mine just got slashed too, even though volume is up. Personnel cuts haven't been this bad since CVS had to pay the huge pseudoephedrine fine.
Drug Monkey: I totally agree with all your well deserved knocks against CVS, but remember, every one of it''s foibles is taken out on us, the workers.
Are you hiring?