I Come To The Aid Of Every Hospital Administrator In The Country

Dear Bean Counter,

So, it's the dawn of a new healthcare era. Changes.....big changes coming down the pike. Paradigms to be reworked, strategic innovations to be thought of, or is that innovative disruptions you're so excited about? You MBA types are hard to keep track of with your business speak sometimes, but for this hillbilly pharmacist with a simple Bachelor's Degree, a lot of the new health care world seems to boil down to this:

The people that pay the bills are finally starting to give a shit about quality of care, and not just quantity.

Take Medicare for instance. The part of our health care system that actually is government run has decided it's tired of paying you extra when people you discharge as healthy end right back up in the hospital in less than a month. Stupid bureaucrats. They should understand that as long as a person's patched up when you roll them out the door that's all they really can expect of you, right? Yet here they are gonna start taking money away from you when these inconsiderate sick people get themselves readmitted.

What's a Master of The Universe business school grad to do? After all, real money is on the line here. During the first year of this government intrusion into how you spend its money, over 2,200 hospitals paid over $280 million in penalties.

I know the challenge seems insurmountable, but you know what? I'm here to help. Let me put on my consultant's hat and see what I can come up with.

You really can't think of anything to lower the rate of readmission? Seriously?  Well.....

YOU COULD STOP DISCHARGING PEOPLE ON A GODDAMN FRIDAY NIGHT WITH A HANDFUL OF PRESCRIPTIONS ANY IDIOT OUGHT TO KNOW THEY'RE NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO GET FILLED!!!!!!!!

Every pharmacy in the country has a story about the Friday night customer who comes in with their Dad who's just had a heart attack sitting in the car and a prescription for some obscure med that no pharmacy in a hundred miles is gonna have on the shelf.

So, Einstein, you know how the pharmacy at your hospital doesn't get deliveries on weekends? Works the same way in the world outside your place. Which means you just fucked 'ol grandpa sitting out there in his Buick. Because Dr. Dumbass, IF you can figure out who he is based on the scrawl at the bottom of the prescription, makes himself unavailable after his shift, and the doctor there now, IF you can even get through, has no idea what's up with grandpa's case. The most likely scenario here is that grandpa's gonna wait until Monday to get his meds. Because you're a stupid fuck whose drug knowledge comes from ads in journals and sales reps expert in the art of flirting.

Bystolic? Seriously? You know what the word "Bystolic" means in English? It means "I hope you like applying for prior authorizations dipshit, because every insurance company seems to know what you don't. This drug is overpriced bullshit"

Livalo, translated from the Latin, can loosely be interpreted as "I hate my patient and am hoping to drown him in red tape"

Again, that's when the numbnut who wrote for this garbage is even around to inform him he gave birth to a paperwork baby.

So, beancounter, you wanna lower your readmission rate? Put in a night cabinet. Remember those? You did away with them when the insurance companies cracked down on your practice of using them as obscene profit centers. But now, even though you wouldn't be able to charge $10 for a Tylenol tablet anymore, making sure every discharged patient had enough meds to get them through a weekend would go a long way towards making sure you're not contributing to that $280 million I mentioned earlier.

Not to mention it would train those brain dead docs you have staffing your ER. 'Cause ain't no night cabinet gonna be stocked with Dexilant. We both know that, don't we?

Look at me, just saved you smarty pants people a lot of money I did. even without knowledge of your strategic initiatives to promote people's passion in the workplace. Just used a little common sense, which in your world is far from common. No need to thank me or even pay your e-consultant here. This one's on me.

Just be aware, the next time someone brings me a Dynacirc prescription on a Saturday morning, it gets shoved up your ass.

And then Medicare will come take your money.

Now go try to do something useful.