Saturday, March 22, 2014

I Entertain The Thought Of Renewing My Past Fruitful Business Relationship With Rite Aid.

An actual postcard that showed up in my mailbox awhile back:


It wasn't enough that I sent that back to them along with my wish that they have intercourse with themselves. A couple weeks later they followed up with this gem.


I guess I just wasn't clear enough with my first letter. I'll try again.

Dear Asshole:

Nice job leading off with the Obamacare stuff. Totally original idea trying to instill fear in people by spreading bullshit about the Affordable Care Act  But it's not bullshit you say? Then let me ask you this...

What's your company's plan for dealing with this apparently apocalyptic scenario? (Revenues down by as much as 0.4%!!!!) After all, while I have 1 store, you have over 5,000  nearly 4,600 of them. So whatever catastrophic impact is coming down the pike is gonna be 4,600 times worse for you. So I bet you have a plan. Right?

Right?

Because in your annual report, you don't seem to talk about it much. Just a quick little mention in the section where you're legally required to warn investors about every little thing that could possibly go wrong with your business. You seem far more worried about something called the Coutu family. Man those people seem to scare the shit out of you. I think I like the Coutu family.

Anyway, let's move on and see what else you have to say here.

"Due to our highly-regarded reputation in the retail pharmacy business...." 

BWWWWWAAAAAAAHHHHAAAHAHHAAAHHHAAAHHAAAAAAAA!!!! Seriously? Highly regarded by whom exactly? Crackheads who know you stock the yellow Norco and pressure your pharmacists to fill inappropriate controlled prescriptions? I didn't realize many of those guys had jobs as Wall Street analysts. Or even jobs.

"As you can imagine, it has been a 'Win-Win" situation for everyone involved" 

No, I can't imagine that.

"If you are interested in exploring this opportunity to utilize your professional training, skills, and expertise, please contact me...."

Did you know I once told 35 people where the bathroom was in one of your stores in a single hour? I don't blame them, as (shoplifters take note of what I'm about to say) you really can't find anyone else working in one of your places. I do blame you though for the respect you showed our professional training, skills, and expertise by implementing that 3 prescriptions in 15 minutes guarantee. Seriously, if you can't come up with any good ideas of your own, stealing from a failed Domino's publicity stunt (that got them sued) isn't the best alternative.

And I didn't even mention the coupon book giveaway with every flu shot. The dog food in there was a nice professional touch.

So, sorry to break your heart, but the answer's no. I'll take my chances in the post Obamacare pharmacy calamity picture you paint, and if it all goes to shit next year, that'll be at least one year where I get to maintain my dignity, self-respect, and professional judgment. Which is more than I ever had when I was associated with your organization. The fact I couldn't wear a colored dress shirt because it showed right through your paper thin company issued "lab coats" says it all really.

And if by some chance I do manage to survive the coming disaster, when the time comes for me to retire to that great pill room in the sky and pass on my legacy, I will find a deserving kid just out of college and GIVE my life's work to them before I will ever allow you to put a hand on it. The people of this town have been too good to me for me to subject them to your standard of "service"

There isn't enough money in the world.
Never write back.
Fuck off.

Sincerely,

Me.


Wednesday, March 12, 2014

It's My Artificial Self's Birthday, And You Get The Present.

One year ago today I formed my corporation and took the first step away from corporate servitude.

What better way to celebrate my independence than to spread the word of what my last life was like. Because I gotta tell you my friends, since I got away from the chains it feels like I've been born again.

Anyway, to celebrate, the Kindle version of my awesome first book is half price through 11:00 P.M. Pacific Time, March 14th.

Go here to get your bargain book, and immerse yourself in the world I've left behind.

Sunday, March 09, 2014

Saturday, March 01, 2014

I Explain The Country's Continuing Race Problem In A Way Even A Numbnut Should Be Able To Understand.

Oh man I can hear it now. I just admitted the existence of a race problem in this country, which means legions of angry middle aged white men just went ballistic. Quickest way to get a middle aged white guy riled up is to say even a trace of racism still lingers in this nation. They will huff and puff and yell and scream about Obama (we'll get to him in a second), about African-American NFL coaches and bosses at their work. The smarter ones might even realize there is a sitting African-American Supreme Court Justice, along with two of the last four Secretaries of State. That's it. Case closed.

Not so fast. You could write more than a few books on what's still not right about race relations in this country, but I'll throw two things out at you that oughta make it crystal clear. First, from the world of the criminal justice system:

Rap lyrics and videos are turning up as evidence in courtrooms across the country with alarming regularity. Last year, the American Civil Liberties Union of New Jersey found that in 18 cases in which various courts considered the admissibility of rap as evidence, the lyrics were allowed nearly 80 percent of the time.

And I turned twenty-one in prison doing life without parole/No one could steer me right but mama tried, mama tried.....

Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, as you can hear with your own ears, Merle Haggard clearly planned from the beginning a life of homicidal mayhem. Under the law you have no choice but to find him guilty.

And do I dare bring up the authority's negligence in allowing Johnny Cash to die of old age a free man after his confessions of not only shooting a man for no other reason than to watch him die, but to the brutal stabbing death of a beautiful young woman.

I plunged a knife into her breast/And told her she was going to rest/She cried "Oh Willy, don't murder me/I'm not prepared for eternity."

I took her by her golden curls/I drug her down to the river-side/An I there threw her in to drown/And I watched her as she floated down

Not to mention the drug use:

Early one mornin' while makin' the rounds/I took a shot of cocaine and I shot my woman down...


Merle and Johnny could write whatever they wanted knowing that to use their lyrics against them in a court of law would be ridiculous. Yet entering a rapper's words into evidence works about 8 in 10 times.

Do you see now how more than an African-American on the Supreme Court might be needed to ensure all people are treated fairly by the judicial system?

Let's stay in the world of music for a second. Remember when Paul Ryan told the world Rage Against The Machine was his favorite band? Most people who had a reaction at all just kinda chuckled, "ha ha...that silly guy listens to hard rock"

But......let's take a look at a few of the lyrics the man who was nominated to be Vice-President of the United States says he enjoys:


Bam! Here's the plan/Mother-FUCK Uncle Sam... 

The present curriculum, I put my FIST in 'em!/Eurocentric, every last one of 'em/See right through the red, white and blue disguise/With lecture I puncture the STRUCTURE of lies! 

What? The land of the free?/Whoever told you that is your enemy

And that's just the start. There's plenty more where those came from.


Now Paul Ryan is free to listen to whatever he wants, I love Rage myself. But I want you to think about something....

What if it had been Barack Obama that said this was one of his favorite bands? You think that would have flown under the radar of the nation? Or do you think maybe Sean Hannity, his friend O'Reilly and the rest of the Fox News goons would have shouted fear into the heart of every white heart over 50 until they were red in the face and foaming at the mouth?

Fox News host Bill O’Reilly told White House adviser Valerie Jarrett that the Obama administration has to enlist the help of “gangsta rappers” if it really wants to help young men of color. 
“You are going to have to get people like Jay-Z, all right, Kanye West, all of these gangsta rappers to knock it off. That’s number one,” said O’Reilly, who attended the launch of President Barack Obama’s “My Brother’s Keeper” initiative Thursday.

That actually came from yesterday's news. Guess we have our answer.

So my friends, the day Barack Obama is as free to talk about the music he listens to as Paul Ryan, the day young rappers have the same artistic freedom as old cowboys, we may....may be able to start thinking about a post-racial society. But he's not, and they're not. So there is still a race problem in this country, and I for one will not rest until every bloodthirsty redneck is in a cage where he belongs. Here is all the evidence you need: