Friday, May 23, 2014

Your Small Penis Is The Key To Understanding A Key Tactic Of Right Wing America's Arguments.

Because make no mistake, the right wing media machine is set to dominate the nation's news agenda. In a few short years they've gone from Glenn Beck being the crazy babbling uncle in the journalistic attic to being able to manufacture stories that get traction in normal people's dialogue.

Don't believe me? Bengazi.

Don't worry though, democracy may be at stake, but your small penis will stop them. First though, we'll have to learn a little bit about how they operate.

One of the favorite tactics of the conservative cable goons is the old "some people are saying" trick. It has its origin in the writings of people like Hunter S. Thompson, who wrote this for Rolling Stone while covering the 1972 presidential race.

“Not much has been written about The Ibogaine Effect as a serious factor in the Presidential Campaign, but toward the end of the Wisconsin primary race – about a week before the vote – word leaked out that some of Muskie’s top advisers had called in a Brazilian doctor who was said to be treating the candidate with ‘some kind of strange drug’ that nobody in the press corps had ever heard of.” 
It is entirely conceivable — given the known effects of Ibogaine — that Muskie’s brain was almost paralyzed by hallucinations at the time; that he looked out at the crowd and saw gila monsters instead of people, and that his mind snapped completely and he felt something large and apparently vicious clawing at his legs. 
We can only speculate on this, because those in a position to know have flatly refused to comment on rumors concerning the Senator’s disastrous experiments with Ibogaine.

After the campaign, Thompson had this to say:

“I never said he was (taking ibogaine), I said there was a rumor in Milwaukee that he was. Which was true, and I started the rumor in Milwaukee. If you read that carefully, I’m a very accurate journalist.”

Back then it was funny because of course no one would take that Ibogaine story seriously. But just like the old lady who gets up at a town hall meeting and says "the government needs to keep their hands off my Medicare,"  what was once ridiculous is now considered mainstream.  Listen for echos of Thompson in these actual quotes from Fox News transcripts:

7/14/11, commentator Eric Bolling: "There Is No Question That The Ground Zero Mosque Is In Fact A Victory Mosque."

The same Eric Bolling, 4 days later on Fox Business news: "Some Have Called" Park51 "A Victory Mosque."

On November 21st, 2011 Fox' Martha MacCallum reported "People Are Saying" Obama "Did Not Show Leadership On" Deficit Deal."

Who are some people? Mostly Bill O'Reilly from the day before: "Where Is President Obama On Leadership? He Should Have Laid Out His Vision."

I could give you plenty more examples, as there is no shortage of this kind of thing on Fox, but you get the idea, and you might be saying to yourself, "Wow, that Thompson example is just what I need to expose this bullshit for what it is."

You may be right for a few of the higher functioning ones, but remember who you're dealing with here. If you want to get to the majority of them, you're going to have to go with something far more visceral. Something that plays into their constant need to have something to fear.

Their small penis.

It's actually pretty simple, whenever you find yourself in front of the Fox News with one of their Cro-Magnon fans, just insert the phrase "your small penis" anytime after you hear "people are saying"

For example, Gretchen Carlson's "Some Would Say That It's The Unions That Have Crippled The U.S. Economy And Led To The United States' Debt." Becomes "Some would say you have a small penis"

Later, when they hear Sean Hannity say "And, less than 24 hours after some say that President Barack Obama virtually spat in the face of the State of Israel... " you tell your co-watcher "less than 24 hours after some say you have the smallest penis on the planet....."

Don't think you'll actually be promoting any intellectual growth or understanding of logical fallacies with this though. It'll be effective, eventually, but only because they will develop a Pavlovian fear of the phrase "some say," as it will trigger unwanted awareness of their organal inadequacies.

Take your victories where you can get them my friends, and pick up a copy of Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail '72. If for no other reason than to be ready for the next trick the fiends at Fox will have up their sleeve.  

Saturday, May 17, 2014

As The Nation Turns It's Attention To Horse Racing, I Retell The Story Of The Greatest Kentucky Derby Ever.

I've told this tale before, but I so love this story, and as much as it's possible to be in love with a horse, I love Mine That Bird.

Mine That Bird went into the 2009 Kentucky Derby a 50 to 1 longshot. His trainer was surprised to find out the horse had qualified, and loaded him up in a horse trailer and drove his pickup truck from New Mexico to get him there. Sports Illustrated didn't even bother to find out anything about him for its feature article on the race. He *did* get a mention in New York Newsday however, whose writer said he "should just stay in the barn"

And when the race started Mine That Bird lived up to expectations. Here's the You Tube Video of the race, and you'll see Mine That Bird so far back at one point that the announcer says another horse is in last place, because he can't even see Mine That Bird.

But...watch the rest of the video, and keep an eye on the inside rail as they come around the final turn.




Some days, when I was unemployed and looking increasingly unemployable, as life started to look increasingly bleak,  I'd watch that video just to lighten up a little because I desperately didn't want to go through a whole day with nothing good in it. No matter how bad the suckfest got. That horse never failed to being a little smile to my face.

Someday I want to meet Mine that Bird, give him a big hug around his horse neck and get his hoofprint autograph.


Wednesday, May 14, 2014

I'm Amazed Sometimes At The Stuff That *Didn't* Get Me Fired.

Blogpost Original Airdate, May 23, 2011. 




A Few Random Thoughts That Should In No Way Be Confused With Those Of My Employer.



I know the profession has its ups and downs. Its frustrations and pitfalls. But I was thinking today, I really take pride in the work my fellow pharmacists and I do day in and day out. It's such a pleasure to be able to serve people and to know that I'm making even a small difference in the fight against things like cancer, heart disease, diabetes, and HIV. To know that I can use the talents I have honed over the course of my career to contribute to the good health and wellness of humanity is a feeling almost impossible to describe to someone not lucky enough to be in a health care field. I'm a big fan of pharmacy.

I should mention though, that the other day my employer came out with a new social networking policy that made it very clear that we were to leave no confusion when we post something online that we are speaking only for ourselves, and not as a representative of the company. So please, don't assume my employer agrees with anything I've just said.

I'm not just a pharmacist though, I'm also a citizen of the United States, and I'd like to think, the world as well. That's why my heart was filled with joy when I heard the news that Osama Bin Laden is no longer a threat to the planet. I really swelled with pride knowing our brave troops had brought evildoer number one face to face to his maker. I'd like you all to join me in honoring our brave men and women in uniform who all played a part in this "Mission Accomplished!," especially the Navy Seals, who may be the most heroic people who have ever lived.

Again though, my employer feels it is very important for me to say that what I write here does not necessarily reflect their views. I'm not sure why, but they definitely want you to know that.

Life isn't all happiness and triumph over evil though. I think we can all agree that there are some truly awful people in society. Take pedophiles for instance. The crimes they perpetrate against our children are among the most horrific things one person can do to another. Pedophiles should be severely punished, not only for the acute physical trauma they inflict on our most vulnerable, but for the lifetime of emotional scars they leave behind. I am no friend of the pedophile.

And I am in no way speaking for my employer. If you want to know what my employer thinks of pedophilia, you'll have to ask them directly. I'd recommend talking to someone in the legal department.

I also recommend you always wash your hands after defecating. But that's just me talking.