Sunday, September 21, 2014

Jazzfests And Milestones.

I heard the note and held on to it as long as I could. Held on until the last one of the night was played I did, the gloom slowly settling inside my mind as it came just as assuredly as the fog was settling in outside on the bay. One last trumpet blast and the Monterey Jazzfest was over for another year. Maybe my last year.

Unemployment is like slowly spiraling down a drain. You wake up the next day and almost nothing has changed, you've probably slept in a little and actually feel a little better than when the alarm clock ruled your life the day before. You work on your resume' a little and fantasize about landing that position that has none of the problems of your now ex-job.

The day after that you wake up and realize you're getting low on coffee and empty on cash. The drain on your resources begins. You make the first withdrawal from the ATM that has no assurance of ever being replaced.

The trappings of affluence slowly start to fall away. The day before Jazzfest I had used the last of my Laphroaig and begun my unemployment gin in the plastic bottle. As much as CVS wants the world to think of them as some sort of health center now that they stopped the tobacco it remains a wonderful place to find cheap ways to rot your liver.

Jazzfest tickets are a crown jewel perk of the affluent. Being used that night two years ago in a different world from when they were purchased. There had been no bites on the resume'

And I wasn't kidding myself that there ever would be. I had just spent the last seven years flipping the middle finger to the decision makers in my industry and there wasn't any assurance I wasn't in a long, slow drain spiral, spinning off the comforts of the comfortable until I slid into homelessness with nothing but a pair of once-fashionable eyeglasses.

That was probably an exaggeration I kept telling myself. But make no mistake, life is different when the soul-crushing large checks those pharmacy chains can write you stop coming in.

At least I had an uncrushed soul now.

I couldn't hold on to that last trumpet note forever so I picked up the bag with the vinyl copy of Miles Davis' Bitches Brew that I probably shouldn't have bought and started walking and when the lady at the gate said "see you next year" I almost cried.

And I kept walking home and thinking and walking and falling and spinning a little closer to that drain. The money isn't the worst part of being unemployed. It's that persistent feeling of uselessness. When you wake up and make that coffee run you are surrounded from the moment you leave your condo with people with a purpose. The gardener. The plumber that just drove by. The people riding the bus to work. They all have a function this day, a role to play in this world that is humming along and you do not.  The most you can think of yourself is as some sort of spare part.

That's what it feels like from the moment you get out of bed. So the day after Jazzfest two years ago I didn't get out of bed.

But...that was two years ago. Tonight, I just got back, from this years Jazzfest. The Roots kicked ass and I'm getting married in April and I haven't been this happy in a long time.

And to the decision makers in my industry, or, should I say, my fellow decision makers now, this middle finger's for you. I haven't forgotten. Here's to a good many more years of it being right in front of your face.

Friday, September 12, 2014

I Am Nothing If Not A Man Of My Word.

I needed a favor and I mindlessly threw in a deal sweetener. It probably wasn't necessary. The Angry Pharmacist is actually much nicer than you would think, and he probably would have done it for me anyway. But I said it.

"If you do this for me I'll even write something Republican friendly on the blog"

Crap.

OK, let's see here.................

thinking.....................

Ummmmm....Oh. I think I have something. Here we go:

Neither Marco Rubio, or any other Republican, has ever cut off the head of anyone on a video broadcast on the internet throughout the world.

That I know of.

I think the fact that the bloodthirsty religious whack jobs of the GOP limit themselves to abortion clinic bombings, and the occasional doctor assassination, and that they choose not to film their acts for propaganda purposes, reflects somewhat positively on their character when compared to the bloodthirsty religious whack jobs of ISIS.

Glad I got that off my chest. I must be more careful with my promises in the future.


Monday, September 01, 2014

Area Blogger Traumatized By Threat From Anonymous Douche.

DRUGMONKEYLAND, CA-  In a development that might shake the pharmacy blogging world to its very core,  longtime publisher of the "Your Pharmacist May Hate You" blog Drugmonkey received an email today that may forever change his relationship with the completely never sarcastic blog he has been publishing since February, 2005 (Longer than The Angry Pharmacist, regardless of what he says on his Twitter feed) The potentially earth shattering message read, in whole:

Your writing style usually rides a fine line between informative and entertainment in the form of satire. Lately, your use of sarcasm has been taken to such heights that it feels like I'm reading The Onion. I don't like The Onion. 

I am a long time fan of your page and satisfied owner The Pharmacy Rip Off List, but if this is a sign of things to come then you may loose me as a an advid reader.


"It was like my world had ended" Drugmonkey said from his undisclosed location deep in The Sierra Nevada Mountains. "I mean, I realize I had taken the blog in a completely different direction with my post about Walgreens executives getting millions of dollars in severance pay after making a billion dollar error, but never in my wildest dreams did I realize an Onion rip-off article, which I had never, ever attempted before, might alienate one lone reader the way it seems to have done here."

"So after I read this I realized I had a choice. Have my writing style associated with an award winning, incredibly popular, wildly successful cutting edge comedy publication, or take a chance on "loosing" an "advid" reader.

(Look, I realize I may need a copy editor more than most people, but is anyone on the internet ever going to get this right ever again?   Loose is the opposite of tight for fuck's sake, and lose is the opposite of gain or win)

After a bout of weeping The Drugmonkey continued. "I was lost and unsure how to handle this. I prayed and cried. I went on a Native American visionquest journey and reached deep into my soul, and finally, I think I may have the answer."

"I will offer a full refund to this unsatisfied asswipe who is evidently the center of the universe. Every penny they have ever paid to access my blog shall be returned. I will also realize that anyone who claims to be a "long time fan" and never seen an Onion-like post is full of shit. "

At press time The Drugmonkey was unsure if he should change his mind and beg forgiveness from the asshole.